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Humor
A Vacation In Prison
30.01.

A lot of you have been wondering where to travel for your vacations this year; so have I. Where can we go that some crazy Arab isnít going to blow up with a suicide truck filled with explosives.
Do you think Venice and Paris are safe?. Would you dare to spend a day at the beach lolling at Club Med when you think of who is out there in the jungle with a jeep filled with dynamite?
Do you want to take a trip to Washington or New York? Hey, thatís where the crazies come after you with ...

Naturalization
30.01.

Many of you emigrants here want to know what it means to be an American. Youíve studied our texts, memorized some of our manuals; you know that America is about freedom and opportunity.When you fight for us as probably all of you will one day if we can ever find an enemy these days worthy of us, youíre not going to risk your life for either a king or a priest; youíll be defending your right to do whatever you please from making a million dollars to committing suicide, maybe both simultaneously if you want to.
I know youíve ...

The Love Pitch
30.01.

Thanks for inviting me here as marketing genius of the year. Iím honored to be accept your applause, then go home with this award, which I must say looks a little chintzy.
Iím here not because I enjoy knowing Iím better than you at selling; itís a snake oil art of at best, folks, a skein of tricks of a carnival barker that begins and end in the eyes of God at the back of a truck. Iíve been a little or a lot different of course. Some say Iíve made a quantum amble into the unknown like an ...

Dropping Dead
30.01.

Itís a pleasure to receive this plastic and gold award here as businessman of the year. I donít know how to make a speech to people like you, all of whom I suppose would probably like to be me or something like me; since I donít like competition Iím glad Iíve found an easy way to be anonymous. I use to feel the same way too until I started to think to myself about the virtues of dropping dead.
Most people think the easiest thing in the world they could do is to drop dead. It solves their problems; ...

The Disability Game
30.01.

Look, I know all of you are upset because you all got the dark yellow cards; you were turned down for Disability. Iím not here to make you feel better or console you about having to live without beating the government for a little ice cream money; you have lousy lovers and even worse friends to console you when you get knocked off a money machine. You have all too effective certified enemies to tell you the truth about yourself.
Iím one more midnight horseman riding the juggernaut myself; I have to admit Iím here on salary. You may ...

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